Happy 4 (Felices los 4)

Human relationships have also undergone substantial changes, most of them driven by the need to survive and preserve the species. Let’s remember that our reptilian brain has two main instincts: to avoid death and to reproduce. If we think about it carefully, it really boils down to just one: to perpetuate the species.

Societies around the world are evolving, although some might argue that modern societies have regressed in certain respects; it’s a matter of perspective, of course.

Human relationships have also undergone substantial changes, most of them driven by the need for survival and the preservation of the species. Let’s remember that our reptilian brain has two main imperatives: don’t die and reproduce. If we think about it carefully, it really boils down to just one: perpetuating the species.

With this in mind, let’s talk about what has allowed the species to perpetuate itself for thousands of years: having sex (between male and female). Over the years and with the evolution of the human brain—where experiences are generated in combination with the senses and the ability to create an inner world based on the perception of the outer world—desires, preferences, and, above all, possibilities emerge.

Sex ceases to be merely a mechanism for reproduction and the perpetuation of the species and acquires emotional significance; people no longer seek to have sex solely for reproduction, but for pleasure. Pleasure gives rise to fantasies, and once again, the mind offers infinite possibilities.

Anthropologists have concluded that human evolution gradually incorporated different models of the “family.” That said, this central unit of societies—indeed, society itself—was that group of people who lived together to cooperate and survive. In other words, the family/society arises from the sheer necessity of survival, not from emotional bonds; the latter emerge through living together.

Why give a whole lecture on evolution to arrive at open relationships?

Because, as Hegel said, “we are children of our time.” That is, in every era in which humanity has existed, human, social, and emotional relationships have taken on diverse characteristics. In recent times, and almost universally, at least in the West, the family or the couple had remained more or less the same for the past three centuries: Man + Woman = Couple; Mom, Dad, children = Family.

It wasn’t until just the last century that this structure changed, first de facto and then legally. Marriages are no longer exclusive to a man and a woman; they can now be between people of the same sex. The family has already changed:

• a) Mom, Dad, children

• b) Mom, Mom, children

• c) Dad, Dad, children

• d) Mom, Dad, children from both and from each.

• e) Etc., etc., etc.

Within romantic relationships, and given how they are structured, they were essentially monogamous—I emphasize this—at least in the West. Therefore, this way of being in a relationship establishes the label of “monogamy as the norm.” In fact, in the collective consciousness, it is the only way to conceive of a romantic relationship.

But again, our brains see no limits and consider possibilities, which is why new ways of being in a relationship emerge: open relationships and polyamory. Although they may seem similar, there are substantial differences. Let me explain:

a) Open relationships: Two people who agree to be emotionally and sexually connected, but with exclusivity only in the emotional aspect, allowing both parties to have extramarital sexual relationships with whomever they wish without this being considered a transgression or infidelity.

b) Polyamory: A group of people who decide to form emotional and sexual bonds.

Can there be polyamory in open relationships? Of course—the sky’s the limit.

I’d like to remind you that my intention in writing these articles is to offer a perspective on our times and to ask questions, challenge preconceptions, and foster critical thinking. We may or may not agree, but we cannot close our minds to what is happening in our times or fail to seriously question our beliefs and limitations. After reflecting on and examining these events from different angles, only then can we say: I respect that, but it’s not for me.

Having said that, and in relation to it, for the writer, this is a very interesting exercise, since a psychologist’s job is not to moralize or judge the client, but to help them align their inner world with the outer world, so that they can reflect on their own and reach a better place for themselves.

Open relationships, just like exclusive ones, require honesty and trust, which, in my view, are the fundamental reasons why both open relationships and polyamory emerge. Let’s see why I say this.

I’d like to remind you that my intention in writing these articles is to offer a perspective on our times and to ask questions, challenge preconceptions, and foster critical thinking. We can agree

There is no serious research on the global rate of infidelity; there are only some general figures indicating that between 23% and 40% of couples are unfaithful. This doesn’t even account for some studies released in certain Western countries where Thailand is reported to have the highest rate of infidelity, at 56%. What does this tell us? That perhaps the problem isn’t wanting or having relationships with someone other than your partner, but rather a problem of honesty between the parties.

This is difficult to put into perspective, since for many, at first glance, having an open relationship would seem like an aberration. Rather, it is the fear of openly giving your partner the opportunity to decide for themselves on a daily basis whether they want to have sex with someone else. Here, issues of self-esteem, jealousy, selfishness, dishonesty, fear of abandonment, and so on all intertwine.

One of my favorite writers, known for his sensitive and open-minded approach, is Jorge Bucay; he says: “You love with open arms.” “I don’t want you to choose me once and for all, because what you chose on your own yesterday and no longer today becomes a prison. I want you to choose me every day, and when you no longer do, I want you to look me in the eyes, tell me so, and walk away.”

Open relationships, obviously, aren’t for everyone—at least they aren’t for me. However, not only do I respect those who choose to conduct their romantic relationships this way, but I also admire their courage in honestly facing their decision to grant their relationship explicit freedom in the sexual realm, even at the risk of knowing that sex often leads to the awakening of feelings toward the other person and that this can result in falling in love with extramarital sexual partners—though who knows, there’s always the possibility of it evolving into polyamory.

The key word here is “possibilities.”